Twas the Night Before Hynesmas
by Shade Mimir
Summary: My obligatory contribution to the season. Very light slashyness, Rinoa bashing, and bashing in general. Please R&R only if you feel confident that you won't flame.


Disclaimer: I don't own FFVIII or the rights to "Twas the Night Before Christmas"

and this is probably a good thing.

Twas the Night Before Hynesmas

Twas the night before Hynesmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a cliche' rpg mouse

The gunblades had been set on the mantle with care

Should a creature attack they would be within easy access there

We protagonists were sleeping and Rinoa was mysteriously dead

As visions of that meddling bitch's gruesome death danced in our heads

And with Seifer in, well, nothing and I in the sheets

Had just settled down after patrolling the streets

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tripped over a shoe and fell with a crash

"Damnit Seifer, can't you put things away?"

I was about to continue when what should I spy but a sleigh?

To the red carriage were tethered eight innocent reindeer

It was there, from the chimney, their slave driver did appear

He was massive but quick, an unsettling combination,

He must be a theif or a monster, one of Gast's mutations

It was then that he took to the sky, flying into some zephyr or gust

It took me little time to realize he was coming towards us!

"Seifer!" I shouted, rushing to his side

He only moaned and rolled under the covers to hide

It was then with a tinkling I heard on the roof

The clawing and stomping of each cloved hoof

I had no choice but to venture to the hall

Somehow he had broken in, that bastard had gall

I noted he was dressed all in fur and tried not to scoff

For this fashion mistake some sheep was freezing his ass off

An ample red bag was flung over his back

Imagine how many stolen goods had been stuffed in that pack,

The stump of a pipe was held tight in his teeth

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath

Not only was he robbing us he was smoking is well

Oh this jolly red hobo could just rot in hell!

"Just what do you think you're doing?" I demanded, furious

He merely looked to me his expression startled and curious

"I'm only only delivering presents," He assured with a smile

"Though I don't recognize you, I admit it must have been a while"

The fat man looked 'round then right back to me

"It doesn't seem as if I'm welcome. There's not even a tree."

I looked to my gunblade, gauging the distance

I would make a run for that should he there be resistance

"And who are you?" I pried, I needed something to tell the cops

"Why I'm Santa of course. I visit each year via rooftops."

I didn't believe him and that smooth voice like satin

What was to trust in a criminal who spoke Latin?

"So why have I never heard of you Santa, if that is your real name,"

"You'd better leave now. To kill someone's grandpa would be a shame."

"Grandpa? My, my," you don't understand."

He then went into a long story that took a great deal of time."

"What are you talking about and what the hell's a manger?"

"You've got to be kidding, some damn freeloader isn't my savior."

"Seifer!" I growled, covering his mouth

Lest he offend masses from the deep south

"I'm sorry Mr. Saint, his logic can be a bit crude."

It was then that I realized Seifer was still nude

"He has a point though. This idea seems newish,"

Santa nodded "I see. You two must be Jewish."

"That's it," Seifer snapped "He's from the future, in league with Ultimacia,"

"What do you mean?" St. Nick urged Seifer to explain with detail...and onomatopoeia.

Seifer scratched the back of his head "Well you see-"

He searched for the right words, looking sheepishly past me

"That was where the writers gave up. I tried not to pay attention."

"The story really made no sense. It's something we try not to mention."

Seifer paused, suddenly angry "What? Why am I talking in rhyme?"

"That's it Santa! Get back in that chimney and climb!...Damnit."

Saint Nick only sighed and stroked his long beard.

"Oh dear, this is something I had feared."

"The elves had warned me that something like this might occur."

He put a hand to his hat and adjusted the fur.

"You see once a year bored girls and boys are struck with a terrible affliction,"

"This often includes writing Christmas fanfiction."

"The stories are subject to a massive plot gap."

"To get them written in time they often just crap."

I sighed. This certainly left little confusion.

I headed back towards the bedroom. This would have no conclusion.

"Well if that's the case Santa we'll just go back to bed."

Santa winked and smiled, simply nodding his head.

"Squall this fic is really beginning to suck."

"Shut up Seifer or we won't get to...sneaky, you almost had me there..."

As we lay down to bed I heard Santa give his slaves a whistle

And away they all flew like a holly jolly nuclear missile

I looked to the window as he flew out of sight, heard him exclaim with conviction.

"Next time bug the Easter Bunny and leave me out of you fiction!"

Apologies from the author: I know this sucked...but don't flame me...It's nearly

Christmas. That would just be cruel. If this offended you in one way or the other suck it

up. It's just a half assed fic and I'm from the deep south myself so don't even bother

flaming me about that. Apology finished. I love you anyone who bothered reading this -.

Merry Christmas! 


End file.
